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General Boards => Off Topic => Topic started by: wj957 on Sep 02, 2021, 08:20:38 PM

Title: JUST JOKES!
Post by: wj957 on Sep 02, 2021, 08:20:38 PM
If you've got a cracker, share it here.

If you are sensitive, easily offended of just like stirring sheite. Don't venture any further.

Post away with all your political/racial/religious jokes, in the good 'ol Aussie 'piss take' fashion.
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Where-to-next on Sep 02, 2021, 09:07:26 PM
My daughter loves this one.......

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Sent from my SM-N976B using Tapatalk

Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: wj957 on Sep 02, 2021, 09:58:41 PM
My wife said she was moving to Sydney because she could $500 a shot for sex there.

Well I said, then I'm movin to Sydney with you.

When she inquired why?

I said, "I wanna see you live on $1000 a year".
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Big bad Col on Sep 03, 2021, 11:13:40 AM
Two cannibals were eating a clown, one said to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Aaron S on Sep 03, 2021, 12:26:05 PM
I was waiting in line at the ATM the other day when the old lady in front of me at the machine
asked if I could check her balance.

So I gave her a push and she fell over......

I told her it wasn't very good  :toothy9:

Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: 257Bob on Sep 03, 2021, 02:55:18 PM
Paddy and Mick were driving up to Dublin.  Paddy looks out the window and sees all the trees, road signs and hedges zooming past at a great speed. 

So Paddy turns to Mick and says, "Geez Michael, would you slow up a wee bit please?"

Mick turns to Paddy and says with a confused look on his face' "But I taut you were doin' the drivin' today".
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: irose on Sep 03, 2021, 03:09:56 PM
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bar tender says to the rabbit "what'll you have”? The rabbit says "I'm not sure I'm only here because of auto correct”.
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Sep 03, 2021, 04:17:30 PM
When I was growing up, the sign # was called pound, and not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message!

Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: 257Bob on Sep 03, 2021, 04:54:03 PM
Paddy had just bought a new car and took it back to the dealer to complain.

Dealer:  What's up Paddy?

Paddy:  The new car won't reach 60 up my hill!

Dealer:  That's a very steep hill where you live Paddy.  What's wrong with not reaching 60?

Paddy:  I live at 97. 
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: mach on Sep 04, 2021, 11:51:52 AM
I went to the doctor for that horrible prostate exam,
The doctor cautioned me that "sometimes it can cause an erection",
I replied that "I think I will be alright",
He replied "I wasn't talking about you"
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Sep 05, 2021, 07:55:06 AM
A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’
The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me’
‘Ok’ said the boyfriend ‘I dated your sister’.
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Sep 23, 2021, 06:05:22 AM
Earthquake response from the Feds below, love funny satire.
https://chaser.com.au/national/nsw-to-receive-700m-disaster-relief-after-victoria-hit-by-earthquake/
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Navigator on Sep 23, 2021, 08:56:07 AM
Earthquake response from the Feds below, love funny satire.
https://chaser.com.au/national/nsw-to-receive-700m-disaster-relief-after-victoria-hit-by-earthquake/

ROTFL  Sadly, it's not too far from the truth.
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Luigi on Sep 24, 2021, 08:45:05 PM
Proud husband to stranger on train: " Look at this pic of my wife, isn't she stunning?"

Stranger: 'Geez mate if you think she's stunning, you should see my wife!'

Husband: 'Really, is she gorgeous too?'

Stranger: 'No, she's an optician'
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: guyfromaus on Sep 24, 2021, 10:45:43 PM
TWO ladies having a chat
one says my grandma is 100 years old and got a letter from  the Queen
the other said my daughter is 14 and  got a text from Prince Andrew!
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: wj957 on Oct 16, 2021, 10:22:19 AM
I was down the park the other day and a young blonde told me I was a 'bit of a looker'.

I think "voyeur" is the word she used.
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: wj957 on Oct 17, 2021, 04:03:17 PM
YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD PIG, NEW TRICKS

I have lived and worked alone for the best part of 20 years, with minimal social interaction.
As the years and my reflux have progressed, I've developed a volumes' belching problem.

On a camping trip over the past week with my brother, he began coaching me on the etiquette of a silent burp.

On our way home we stopped for coffee and lunch. Sitting at the table I felt the rising from within and managed a very subdued, almost silent burp.

As James turned to commend my new found manners, I leant a little to the left, raising my right cheek,
and FARTED!
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: OldMucks on Oct 19, 2021, 10:53:41 AM

(https://i.ibb.co/HD5x5ph/IMG-20211018-0001-NEW.jpg) (https://ibb.co/HD5x5ph)
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Steve I on Oct 29, 2021, 04:28:46 PM
I was stopped by the police, around 2am this morning.
The officer asked, where am I going at this time of the morning.
I replied "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late".
The officer replied, "Oh Really" and who is giving that lecture, at this time of night ?

My wife  :laughing7:

Steve

 
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Ray68 on Oct 31, 2021, 07:07:59 AM
BMW complaint: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMJhOSdxQVg
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Luigi on Oct 31, 2021, 07:51:21 AM

(https://i.ibb.co/mtPht3X/241401165-4176079329168719-6486487670469360211-n.jpg) (https://ibb.co/mtPht3X)

Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Nov 20, 2021, 06:15:04 PM
The CIA needed someone to infiltrate and assassinate a foreign leader.
They chose three candidates for the job.
To test them they told them that their spouse was in the next room, gave them a gun with an order to shoot them.
First one went into the room and came out failing to shoot his wife. He said that he would not do that he loved his wife.
It was the same with the second one. He came out with tears in his eyes saying that he couldn’t pull the trigger.
The third was a female agent Who took the gun into the room where her husband sat.
After a gunshot there were a lot of loud violent sounds in the room. When she came out she said the gun was loaded with blanks so she had to beat him to death with a chair.
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Nov 20, 2021, 06:23:56 PM
An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage:

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seem to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart. We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge.
My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again. After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two".
Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way. Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and shot the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ".
I was so shocked, I started screaming at my husband"what did you do that for, are you crazy that's terrible".
My husband turned to me and he said "that's one".

Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Steve I on Dec 24, 2021, 02:03:54 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/w7F7YxT/wife4394.jpg) (https://ibb.co/w7F7YxT)


Steve
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Richard Puller on Dec 24, 2021, 03:17:57 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/w7F7YxT/wife4394.jpg) (https://ibb.co/w7F7YxT)


Steve

Is the sound coming from the passengers side airbag ?
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Steve I on Dec 24, 2021, 04:16:45 PM
Is the sound coming from the passengers side airbag ?
Yep  :laughing7:

... no point getting a owners manual once they start whining you might as well trade it in for a new one as they cant be fixed
... Mine's out of manufacturer's warranty - but I'm claiming it's not fit for purpose  :laughing7:

Steve
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Dec 29, 2021, 03:37:31 PM
A rich man needed a new bodyguard, and decided he wanted a samurai instead of the usual gun toting wannabe. So he puts out an ad asking for auditions.

Three samurai show up. A Chinese man, a Japanese man, and an Israeli. The audition is a simple test: a fly will be let loose in the room, and each samurai is to show their skill in dealing with the fly.

The Chinese samurai goes first, whips his katana out, and SLASHES the air once, with blinding speed, and the fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The Japanese samurai goes second, whips his katana out, and SLASH SLASH, with blinding speed, he sheathes his sword, and his fly is on the ground in four pieces.

The Israeli samurai steps forward last, pulls out his katana, and slashes wildly at the air several times for a moment, then steps back and sheathed his sword. But his fly is still buzzing around the room.

The rich man steps forward, incredulous. "What was that!? You didn't even kill your fly!"

The Israeli samurai somberly responds: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Luigi on Jan 16, 2022, 06:58:24 PM

(https://i.ibb.co/h1Zny6Q/jok-0f4bcb46065b6f7656d5a4d25b751fbc805bfaf9.jpg) (https://ibb.co/h1Zny6Q)

Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: Luigi on Jan 16, 2022, 08:37:19 PM

(https://i.ibb.co/tsNdfws/140046690-3388854214575368-941713799511076126-n.jpg) (https://ibb.co/tsNdfws)
Title: Re: JUST JOKES!
Post by: yvesjv on Feb 26, 2022, 10:42:57 AM
Election is coming up and this is nuts
https://www.betootaadvocate.com/headlines/pm-thrilled-as-the-sheer-horror-of-war-distracts-nation-from-albos-dashing-womens-weekly-shoot/
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