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Author Topic: JUST JOKES!  (Read 3361 times)

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Offline wj957

Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #15 on: Oct 16, 2021, 10:22:19 AM »
I was down the park the other day and a young blonde told me I was a 'bit of a looker'.

I think "voyeur" is the word she used.
 

Offline wj957

Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #16 on: Oct 17, 2021, 04:03:17 PM »
YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD PIG, NEW TRICKS

I have lived and worked alone for the best part of 20 years, with minimal social interaction.
As the years and my reflux have progressed, I've developed a volumes' belching problem.

On a camping trip over the past week with my brother, he began coaching me on the etiquette of a silent burp.

On our way home we stopped for coffee and lunch. Sitting at the table I felt the rising from within and managed a very subdued, almost silent burp.

As James turned to commend my new found manners, I leant a little to the left, raising my right cheek,
and FARTED!
 

Offline OldMucks

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #17 on: Oct 19, 2021, 10:53:41 AM »


 
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Offline Steve I

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #18 on: Oct 29, 2021, 04:28:46 PM »
I was stopped by the police, around 2am this morning.
The officer asked, where am I going at this time of the morning.
I replied "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late".
The officer replied, "Oh Really" and who is giving that lecture, at this time of night ?

My wife  :laughing7:

Steve

 
 
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Offline Ray68

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #19 on: Oct 31, 2021, 07:07:59 AM »
 
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Offline Luigi

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #20 on: Oct 31, 2021, 07:51:21 AM »



2017 LS-U DMax spacecab. Manual, Ally tray back, Ally canopy, stock wheels, Ironman suspension and B/Bar. Safari snorkel and ProVent 200.
 
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Offline yvesjv

Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #21 on: Nov 20, 2021, 06:15:04 PM »
The CIA needed someone to infiltrate and assassinate a foreign leader.
They chose three candidates for the job.
To test them they told them that their spouse was in the next room, gave them a gun with an order to shoot them.
First one went into the room and came out failing to shoot his wife. He said that he would not do that he loved his wife.
It was the same with the second one. He came out with tears in his eyes saying that he couldn’t pull the trigger.
The third was a female agent Who took the gun into the room where her husband sat.
After a gunshot there were a lot of loud violent sounds in the room. When she came out she said the gun was loaded with blanks so she had to beat him to death with a chair.
 

Offline yvesjv

Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #22 on: Nov 20, 2021, 06:23:56 PM »
An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage:

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seem to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart. We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge.
My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again. After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two".
Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way. Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and shot the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ".
I was so shocked, I started screaming at my husband"what did you do that for, are you crazy that's terrible".
My husband turned to me and he said "that's one".

 

Offline Steve I

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #23 on: Dec 24, 2021, 02:03:54 PM »



Steve
 

Offline Richard Puller

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #24 on: Dec 24, 2021, 03:17:57 PM »



Steve

Is the sound coming from the passengers side airbag ?
 

Offline Steve I

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #25 on: Dec 24, 2021, 04:16:45 PM »
Is the sound coming from the passengers side airbag ?
Yep  :laughing7:

... no point getting a owners manual once they start whining you might as well trade it in for a new one as they cant be fixed
... Mine's out of manufacturer's warranty - but I'm claiming it's not fit for purpose  :laughing7:

Steve
 

Offline yvesjv

Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #26 on: Dec 29, 2021, 03:37:31 PM »
A rich man needed a new bodyguard, and decided he wanted a samurai instead of the usual gun toting wannabe. So he puts out an ad asking for auditions.

Three samurai show up. A Chinese man, a Japanese man, and an Israeli. The audition is a simple test: a fly will be let loose in the room, and each samurai is to show their skill in dealing with the fly.

The Chinese samurai goes first, whips his katana out, and SLASHES the air once, with blinding speed, and the fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The Japanese samurai goes second, whips his katana out, and SLASH SLASH, with blinding speed, he sheathes his sword, and his fly is on the ground in four pieces.

The Israeli samurai steps forward last, pulls out his katana, and slashes wildly at the air several times for a moment, then steps back and sheathed his sword. But his fly is still buzzing around the room.

The rich man steps forward, incredulous. "What was that!? You didn't even kill your fly!"

The Israeli samurai somberly responds: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
 

Offline Luigi

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #27 on: Jan 16, 2022, 06:58:24 PM »



2017 LS-U DMax spacecab. Manual, Ally tray back, Ally canopy, stock wheels, Ironman suspension and B/Bar. Safari snorkel and ProVent 200.
 
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Offline Luigi

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Re: JUST JOKES!
« Reply #28 on: Jan 16, 2022, 08:37:19 PM »


2017 LS-U DMax spacecab. Manual, Ally tray back, Ally canopy, stock wheels, Ironman suspension and B/Bar. Safari snorkel and ProVent 200.
 
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Offline yvesjv

 

 

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